Shadows of Memories
by Moonlit Water Sunny River
Summary: A 20-part short story combined with poetry. Envy knew that they were somewhere behind his eyes, the memories of innocence, and childhood, and freedom.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: A result of my attempt to get past my block on Seven Reasons. Chapters alternate poetry (by yours truly) and prose. Caution: swearing, violence, murder and all that.**

_Let's play pretend_

_Be someone else again_

_Let's play pretend_

_And when we're bored, we'll die again_

_Let's play pretend_

_Leave this world behind_

_If only for a while…_


	2. Chapter 2

White light surrounded him, and he watched boredly as a new person appeared in the mirror. His hair was red this time, cut short, scruffy and kept back with a black headband. A black trenchcoat swished around his ankles, over a sleeveless jumpsuit.

But the eyes remained.

They were emerald instead of violet or gold this time, but same as always, something hated lurked behind them. Something that he couldn't get rid of. Something less than a memory.

These eyes, no matter which new person he became, remembered seeing through the eyes of a child, a teenager, someone called William. Someone who reached his hands out to Dante. Someone who hugged his father and was loved back.

He changed back into himself – what he liked to think was himself. But the shadow of a shadow of a memory unseen still rested behind the eyes of the unloved and lost.


	3. Chapter 3

_A ghost of a past remains_

_Binding the present and future in chains_

_And time stops_

_And time begins_

_Trying to forget to remember the light_

_Giving up a winning fight_

_And the tears stop_

_And the tears begin_


	4. Chapter 4

The burnt-down house was nothing more than a shell, twisted pieces of black plastic and half-melted glass under his bare feet. It hurt when they dug into his bare feet, but he welcomed the pain. It kept him on the edge and alert. It would be so easy to imagine that this had once been his home…

He bent down, crouching among the ashes. Scooping a few in his hand, he wondered what this house had looked like when Edward and Alphonse had lived here. He didn't even know what the tin can had looked like before.

Soon, Lust or Sloth or Wrath would be sent to find him, and they would find him. Homunculi could see through his disguises, and Dante just knew him too well anyway. He hated those brothers. Hated how they had a childhood to remember. Hated how they could throw away those memories, those most precious possessions, by burning them. He envied Ed's light, his radiance, his strength. He envied his freedom – he was no dog of the military, he was a wolf wearing a collar that he could shake off at any time.

He dropped the ashes, but some still clung to his hands. Like the pieces of memory that haunted him the few times he had tried to sleep. He never slept now, hating the dreams of his own hand reaching forward, but limp and misshapen, reaching for a tall figure that was getting smaller every minute, his weak voice calling out, _where are you going, father?_

"Hey! What are you doing here? This is Ed's hou –" The sound of an unfamiliar voice, a human girl's, made Envy lash out. His fist connected with the side of her face as he span around, slamming her against the rusting metal furnace. There was a snap. Her head lolled to the side, blue eyes staring unseeingly at him, blonde hair falling past her shoulders.

Envy knelt in front of her. "You remember too. You remember what it's like to be a child. You remember innocence. Did you still have it?"

She was already dead, but he sharpened his fingers and drew a bloody line across her face, marring her beauty. He dragged the five blades across her face again, driving them into her big blue eyes, the eyes that had never seen what he had. Would never see them again.

"There. You should thank me. Now you'll keep your innocence forever."


	5. Chapter 5

_I'm forgetting to remember the things that matter most._

_I'm remembering to forget the things that hurt the most._

_I'm hoping to despair at my own weakness._

_Despair is my soul. Despair is my strength._


	6. Chapter 6

Envy lifted the bear from the arm of the child he had just ripped apart. It had been white, but the blood was soaking into it, turning it a rust-colour. It eyes were black and glassy, like those of the dead.

The head of the raven-haired girl was only a few footsteps away. Her eyes were just as glassy as those of the bear. Behind neither pair could he find what he was looking for.

Later, he had slammed Wrath into a wall, tilted up his chin and stared into his eyes. He could see the colour – amethyst – the emotions – fear, confusion, uncertainty – but it was still not there.

He supposed it was because Wrath had been transmuted as a baby, only aging inside of the Gate as one of the Gate-demons. So he did the same to Lust, this time the emotions being amusement, excitement and a certain level of arousal. But no matter how hard he pulled her head back by her mane of raven hair, he couldn't see it.

He'd looked into the eyes of the dead girl in Rizenbul among the ruins of the Elrics' house.

The next time he saw the Elric brothers, he knocked Ed to the ground and looked into his eyes. But even there, he couldn't find it.

Dead, alive, human, homunculus…Nowhere but the mirror could he find the shadow of a shadow of a memory unseen.


	7. Chapter 7

_Memories are butterflies on the wind_

_You think you know_

_Pretend to remember_

_And be unaware that in the end_

_You have forgotten the smell of the cherry blossoms_

_You have forgotten the shade of blonde of her hair_

_You have forgotten the silk of her lips_


	8. Chapter 8

"YOU BASTARD!" Envy easily dodged Ed's swing, flipping backwards a few times.

"Like I haven't heard that before, o'Chibi."

"YOU KILLED HER!" Ed's eyes were glowing with rage as he clapped his hands and slammed them onto the floor. A pillar of stone missed Envy by a millimetre. "WHY, DAMMIT?"

Envy nearly told him the truth, but smirked darkly. "For fun."

"FUCK YOU!" This time, Envy didn't manage to dodge. The pillar of stone hit him right beneath the chin, and his neck broke with a snap. He fell to the floor.

Ed's voice filled with hatred was the last thing he heard before falling into his small death. "What did Winry ever do to you, Envy?"


	9. Chapter 9

_A broken vial upon the floor_

_A kiss of death, a kiss and more_

_Whimpers as the poison enters his veins_

_He calms, never to struggle again_

_She spits out mercury and watches him die_

_Making sure he won't survive_

_In tears she asks her love to bring him home_

_Hiding the smile and what only she knows_

_A monster is born from the shadows of trees_

_Crying 'Father, don't go!' as the man of light leaves._


	10. Chapter 10

Envy awoke less than a minute later, and tackled the retreating form of Ed, flipping him around, locking his hands around his throat and placing his face less than an inch away from the Fullmetal's.

"Hohenheim. When did he leave?"

"Wh-" Ed struggled against Envy, to no avail.

"WHEN DID HE LEAVE?"

"Wh-when I was three and Al was nearly two…"

Envy released his fierce grip. "I had him…I had him for longer than you…even if I don't remember," he said more to himself. "I had him for eighteen years…"

He got up and left, leaving the older Elric brother lying on the floor, trying to figure out exactly what he'd just seen.

It was only until Envy was back in the city under Central that he looked in a mirror.


	11. Chapter 11

_Mirrorworld, show me secrets_

_Show me myself_

_Silver and glass_

_Fragile and strong_

_Mirrorworld, showing the secrets of the world beyond_


	12. Chapter 12

His eyes still had the memory behind them, but their colour had changed inadvertently. They were golden.

Envy blinked, changing his eye colour. Or so he thought. They were still as brightly golden as the sun he could look at directly with his inhuman eyes.

"Damn it damn it damn it…" Envy was too shocked for his expletives to reach their usual level. And then, his new eyes blazing, he reached back a fist and punched the mirror. A cobweb of hairline cracks spread across the mirror. Another punch sent the pieces tinkling to the floor. Blood dripped from his knuckles, but the cuts quickly sealed up.

"Envy!" Dante appeared at the door, a disapproving look on her face. "Do not make a mess!"

He turned to glare at her, making her step back. "Envy…"

"Like what you see? Do I look more like your precious fucking Hohenheim now?" He pushed her aside and stalked out – only to be faced with another mirror.

This time, he grabbed the entire mirror and threw it to the floor.

"Envy! Stop it, or I'll be forced to punish you –"

Envy grabbed her throat and slammed her head against the wall. "You killed me, you bitch. I don't think you can punish me any more than that." He slammed her head against the wall, and a small ragged circle of blood stained the white.

"You fed me the mercury through your mouth, then spat it out and watched me die. Then you told Hohenheim to bring me back. No wonder he thought I was a monster – I…I remember how I originally was…" Her head impacted with the wall again, making the stain grow.

"I was a mess of black, amorphous flesh. No wonder he thought I was a monster…and he realized what you had done. He left _two _monsters behind that day."

Dante began to chuckle. "Yes, maybe he did. But…" she weakly brought a hand to Envy's face and traced it lightly with Lyra's slender fingers, "I love you."

Envy picked a shard of the mirror off of the floor, and rested the tip against her heart. "Wish I could say the same…Mother." It slid in like part of a puzzle, and she didn't struggle. "But homunculi don't feel love."


	13. Chapter 13

_ Love me_

_ Lose me_

_ Stand beside me_

_ You've broken my heart_

_ Burned it to ashes_

_ Taken what's left_

_ Kept it for your own_

_ So now I'm_

_ Heartless and yours_


	14. Chapter 14

The other homunculi had nowhere to turn. Neither did Envy, but he knew he didn't want to be around them. He didn't belong with them, with their violet eyes and their soulless eyes.

Soulless…

He didn't want a soul. He liked being a monster, not having to justify anything he did. But there was no other explanation for his eyes.

Winry's body was gone, but there was still a dark stain of blood on the furnace and the ground around it. He laid Dante's body in her place, and looked around at the ashes and remnants of walls. With these new eyes, he could imagine the walls and roofs, the Elric brothers playing (although Alphonse's face was a blur), Sloth – no, her name had been Trisha – supervising them with a soft smile on her face, and in his study, Hohenheim.

He didn't hate him anymore – because Envy was a monster, birthed by a monster, and he would always be a monster. He pitied him – he was not immortal, no more than Dante had been, not without the Philosopher's Stone.

Envy lay down in the ashes, looking up at the clear blue sky with grey clouds slowly encroaching. He closed his gold eyes as the rain came, feeling it drum against his skin.


	15. Chapter 15

_Tainted dreamer_

_Lying there_

_Beautiful sinner_

_Lost his cares_

_Warped believer_

_Nothing to share_

_Tainted dreamer_

_So unclean he shines_


	16. Chapter 16

He hadn't slept in – centuries, he thought. Even though he knew the dreams to come, he drifted off, resting peacefully next to his mother's corpse.


	17. Chapter 17

_A soul is a candle burning bright_

_Sending flickering rays through the night_

_A soul is a candle to lead you home._

_A soul is a star in the midnight sky_

_Showing you the way and showing you why_

_A soul is a star to lead you home._


	18. Chapter 18

When Edward and Alphonse found him, Edward described it as 'the neverending dream'. Envy wasn't dead – he was asleep. There were several theories about why he never woke up. Some said it was a kind of death for a homunculus. Some said he had a lot of rest to catch up with. Mustang's theory was that he enjoyed his memories and dreams more than real life.

Ed watched him sleeping in a hospital bed – the only place they could think of to put him. He was still alive in most senses of the word…

Ed put his hand over Envy's almost unconsciously, feeling the cold skin. The beat of the Red Stone was slower than a heartbeat. Under his eyelids, his eyes flickered from side to side, a sure sign that he was dreaming.

"I…I hope you found what you were looking for. I hope you can remember what it was like to be alive now, in your dreams." Ed refused to cry at the sheer injustice of what he understood about Envy. He was so vulnerable now, and once he'd seen Lyra's – Dante's – body lying there, he thought he knew why Envy had killed Winry. He knew Envy wouldn't ever wake up…but what he had found within the folds of her dress would stain his conscience his entire life.

He withdrew from his pocket a small shard of bone. "Sw-sweet dreams, Envy."

The shard of bone rested on Envy's forehead, and slowly sank into his skin, only a small bruise left of its passing.

The heartbeat stilled. A small smile appeared on the resting boy's face before he began to dissolve into red liquid. It disappeared into thin air, and all that was left was a small red stone, before that, too, crumbled.


	19. Chapter 19

_Dream away eternity_

_Autumn leaves your crown_

_Rest in peace at last_

_When what you sought_

_Is found…_


	20. Chapter 20

_Tainted dreamer playing pretend_

_Ghosts of memories inside of his head_

_A kiss of death stealing his life_

_Tiny hands grasping at memory's butterflies_

_Envy. To want what others have._

_What is yours_

_Should you remember._


End file.
